Both of these masterpieces were sent by the same 5WPR flack today.

Dear [Unfortunate Journalist],

The ever popular Jersey Shore star, Nicole "Snooki" Palozzi, was spotted leaving a GNC in NYC buying Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet. Sources hear that she took "The Situation's" fat comment to heart and the paparazzi confirmed that.

She wants to get rid of her "rolls" as The Situation put it, and trade them in for Dr. Siegal's Cookies! Snooki was overheard in the store saying she wants to look good for the next season of the Jersey Shore and it seems she plans to do that with Dr. Siegal's SNOOKI Diet!

Many high res images available. Contact me ASAP if interested in featuring this item.

Thanks!
[Product of America's schools, now languishing at 5WPR]

If you found that to be an unconvincing celebrity story, you'll love this:

Dear [Same beleaguered reporter],

Hope all is well. Kristen Bell was all smiles this weekend, celebrating her new movie "When in Rome," which was a hit!

She was seen at a restaurant in LA on Saturday having an enjoyable lunch and was spotted using her "favorite" Supersmile product, the single dose Whitening Mouth Rinse! She also used it for instant fresh breath in between takes when she was shooting "When in Rome," because of all the smooching her character did!

Kristen was even quoted saying, "My favorite is the single use mouthwash refresher, and it's so easy to use anywhere. I keep the packets with me on set because as an actor, it's so important to have fresh breath!"

Please let me know if you'd like samples of the Supersmile Whitening Mouth Rinse or more information.

Thanks!
[The same flack, killer of angels]

That Kristen Bell quote should not even be legal. Neither should that Snooki one, actually, since they just consist of 5WPR fabricating "overheard" quotes from people they don't represent to win press for the uninteresting brands they do represent. This is, apparently, 5WPR's only remaining tactic.

Ronn [sic] has demanded we "immediately rectify" this item by sending along some pictures of Snooki holding those cookies while leaving a GNC and a screencap of SuperSmile's "Celeb Testimonials" which you can read for yourself!

Ronn [sic] Torossian-led 5WPR, America's shadiest PR firm, had to get some press for its new client, KYMARO body shapers. So they sent out an email blast last week to the media saying that they "got a tip from the Kymaro company" that Lady Gaga wears their products. Which some media outlets ran with! Then Fashionista checked it out, and of course, as you knew when you saw "5WPR" in this story, the whole thing was just a made-up lie: "A rep explained that [it] was only a rumor, reported to the firm sometime last week."

Recap:
1. Get client to pay you money to get them press.
2. Send out fabricated note to press linking client to famous celebrity.
3. Blame client for the lie.
4. All press is good press!
5. Go home and weep silently, when you're alone.